SoulThirst

i've talked, yelled, punched, cried, prayed.

now it's just all empty.

no more tears
no more words
no more anger

just... empty.

posted by Andy Chang @ 10:48 PM 0 comments

how am I doing?

physically... tired
emotionally... drained
mentally... confused
spiritually... learning

which do you want to know about first? :P
I suppose that's why that question has been hard to answer when people have asked me

Jesus I thank you for music... for giving me the skill to play... the piano in the house to play on... the repository of songs in my memory... the Psalms in Scripture
Spent the past 1/2 hour at the piano in the dark... playing/pounding, worshipping... praying, crying, being still...
Music calls my soul to be in a different place... the notes and keys express my heart... it's as second-nature as breathing. And sometimes expresses them in ways words cannot. I don't have many words... when you're tired, drained, confused, it's hard to know where to begin a sentence, how to word it, and what your point is. And I guess that's why music works... music just "flows"...one note follows another, but you're making it up as you go...

Prayer grounds you... reminds you of truth... points you back to God. Yet there are still the wounds & hurts & frustrations that remain to be dealt with. Prayer gives me a better context to deal with them; but they still have to be dealt with

I feel like my soul's been wounded in these past few weeks; and wounds are wounds, nothing overly spiritual about it, and wounds- physical or not- need to be healed.

Still is hard to smile... hard to find community or to pour anything out... but I know God is gracious, that He is there.

posted by Andy Chang @ 11:00 PM 0 comments

"People choose eternity in hell for the same reason they created hell on earth- because they prefer the misery they know to the mystery they do not. Why are angry people angry, hurt people hurt, and addicts addicted? It isn't because they are unaware of the possibilities of redemption. It is because they have befriende their pain and trust it only. To benefit from a savior, you have to trust him instead, which is what we call faith"

--M. Craig Barnes: Searching for Home: Spirituality for Restless Souls

posted by Andy Chang @ 5:43 PM 0 comments

HAHAHAHAHA

http://us.cnn.com/2003/EDUCATION/11/14/wheaton.dance.ap/index.htmhttp://us.cnn.com/2003/EDUCATION/11/14/wheaton.dance.ap/index.html

my school made it on the front page of CNN.com ... I'm so proud

the ineptitude and backwardness demonstrated by the said school... not so proud.

one small step for Wheatonites ....

the world will never be the same

posted by Andy Chang @ 11:44 AM 0 comments

Find me in the river
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please

We've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And bought our pretty crowns
But never paid the price

Find me in the river
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone and I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the river, I'm waiting here

posted by Andy Chang @ 12:03 PM 0 comments

It's late, but I suppose today there's actually things for me to say. Being off AIM also gives me more to say at length too.

Stopped by Dr. Dorsett's office today... good to see the man after almost a year+, glad we're able to talk... time was short; how does one compress a year into a 1/2-hour? As is his custom, he looked me straight in the eye and asked "Andy, how is your soul doing?" And I think for the first time in all the time I've known him, I offered the true, honest, straightforward answer... the frustrations of the past few weeks, the doldrums of being in a rut, the uncertainties concerning the future. For the first time, I wasn't afraid to admit to him that I didn't know... that I felt & thought things that I used to consider beneath one who was a Christian Ed. student. But also for the first time, he didn't seem as high lofty as before; sure I still esteem him greatly as a mighty man of God, but he's become more human too. And I think I realize that he knew I was human too, all along he knew. We talked, he reminded me of things I even learned from him in classes... but it wasn't embarassing to admit that I still didn't know any better, that I still needed the reminders.

- our souls undulate from mountain to valley, and more often than not we live in the middle of the troughs. Even there, God is there.
- some things you just have to keep on doing certain things, taking steps of obedience, whether you feel like it or not... Word & sacrament, prayer, praise... they never make you stale any more than sleeping or eating every day will.
- vary your routine some
- if God doesn't want you to go somewhere, He can most certainly close the door. Trusting God means to step ahead & trust that He'll say no at the right times.

And while our meeting did not answer any questions, it did confirm at least a general direction, and it was good if only to give hope.


Kary called me today; asked me to write an RA application reference letter for her; once again, greatly honored. Ended up talking for 45 minutes. It's been a while since we talked, maybe almost 3 weeks+ but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. Guess we've both been in a dry season, where things've been hard, slow, and muddled all at the same time- spiritually, emotionally, even physically. Very much in the same place; some things Dr. Dorsett said to me, I turned around and offered to Kary as well.

So yea, she's applying to be an RA; she rather astutely made the observations that there are similarities between RA-ing and ministry, and thus asked me what being in ministry was like. I now have the sense that she's grown in faith to a point where she can understand matters of faith more clearly & so the conversations are more connected, more. She'd make a good RA... love people, good heart, and it'll be a hard but good challenge. Hope she finds good community with the fellowship at school; I'd want to be there myself, but since I can't, I entrust to the ministry of others.

Matrix Revolutions... I think I was too tired by the time I was watching it :P. I haven't decided whether I liked it or not; I think being partially asleep/zoned out didn't help. There were definitely some good moments (aka things I could take & use in object-lessons), also some equally bad ones. A lot of action as expected... things to go bam, pow, bang, oof, kabloom, etc. (throwback to Adam West Batman :P).

But the carryover theme from Reloaded about choice... making choices... even if all the mumbo jumbo that Architect & Oracle said don't make any sense whatsoever (Ergo), one thing does... we do end up making the choices that we have to make, even when we're unsure of the outcome, when we're uncertain about the process... taking just a step. you'll know when the time comes.

posted by Andy Chang @ 1:58 AM 0 comments

The weather in Chicagoland is changing...

One day it's freezing, the next it feels like summer again
Fall is here... windy, rainy, mostly overcast
The sun sets at 5:00pm, and most of the hours in 24 are dark, and the darkness comes quickly

The weather reflects much of my inner state.
... the storms, constant drizzle, and tumultuous winds
... the early-darkness, and darkness that stays longer

Pray for me,
   when change comes and much in the future looks unclear: calling, direction, even location.
   when relationships get hard and being intentional is hard
   when I just become impatient and easily frustrated
   when I know there is more to who I am and who I can be, and I'm not taking it to heart.

Biggest prayer request is things about the future... here, elsewhere... where God wants me to be, what He wants me to do.

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

posted by Andy Chang @ 11:02 AM 0 comments