SoulThirst

"Well, I'm back." as Samwise Gamgee so eloquently ended Tolkien's masterwork.

And yes, I'm back in Maryland.

Went to a gathering for the college & young adults of CBCM (the church I grew up in). I went mainly to pay a social visit, a courtesy call of sorts. After all, people would know I'd be back and wonder why I didn't bother to show up. Most of life is just showing up anyway; not that anything vital gets accomplished HAVING shown up. It was good to see some people again, some friends, people I haven't seen or talked to in a while. I went around, did the social butterfly thing and asked the typical grouping of questions: "how are you... so where are you in life right now... enjoying work?... etc." All very polite, coffeeshop type stuff. I've been so bad at keeping in touch that I don't know who's still in school, out of school, working, where, etc.

Some of it was sad. A good number of the people I talked to were either taking extra-long to finish school, dropped out for a semester or longer and are now working, or working and not really too thrilled about their job (small, insignificant places). It was sad to see how many of my peers are finding little meaning in life and in what they're doing. It's as if in their answer was contained a silent question: "is this what life after college looks like?"

Still others have wandered in their faith as well. I looked at the people gathered, and was saddened to see the lifestyles they had chosen, the things they had chosen to be involved with during college. I don't doubt any of their salvation; but they only just come, just go. So many of them, if they had walked with God after youth group in the same way that they did during... life would look fuller, they would be so effective for the kingdom. Instead they're living the failed young career person's "dream" of a small apartment, entry-level job, and weekends socializing. It isn't even so much that they don't come to church; I hear most of them do. But in a church with a 120-person English adult ministry, a 130+ career/college ministry... the 100 person youth ministry can only find 7 lay counselors. SEVEN. At CCMC, we have a career group of 20 and we have FOUR in the youth ministry. Somehow the ratio is off, and that's just sad to see. What happened to all of you...

Some had said to me "wow, awesome, you're in ministry" or "I'm glad for you/I'm proud of you." To that I thank them, and smile, and try not to let it get to my head. But really. Where are the rest of you guys... did God not call you? do you still listen to Him?

Bittersweet to be back. Many old faces; some things change, some never will. Many of us grew up together, then grew apart. Actually we were never that close. I realized yesterday, while reading old journals from high school and looking at yearbooks, that I have consciously chosen to forget all of my life prior to Wheaton. Names & faces of people I interacted with in high school... experiences shared... highs & lows... reading my journals brought me back to a world I had forgotten. So this is what Maryland is like all over again. I had forgotten. Some things were painful to remember. Now the people at church and I are cordial, professionally polite; but that still doesn't erase the things that've happened- things long forgotten and long forgiven, but still lingering. We ask each other about jobs, future plans, & whatnot. But I thought to myself after I left, on the long drive home, "what question really mattered?" And if I was one of my professors, older and wiser, I could picture one of my profs asking me "Do you still love Jesus?" After so long and being so out of touch, when 2 believers meet... wouldn't the most important question be "do you still love Jesus?"

Don't even know if I care enough to ask that to these people though. They aren't my community; never were. And perhaps I'm not giving them the chance to be. I suppose a part of me always felt betrayed by CBCM. I know the friends of my parents still love me when I come back b/c they love my parents- the child returning home is always a good thing. But elsewhere... this church did not send me well, I was always on the outside, and there was never a sense of "welcome home." And on my part, I never did let them try again after I left. I went to a different church on my holiday breaks & when I was in town; I remained polite, but distant. I don't know if I want them to be my community. A number of them don't want me to be.

In college & after, the people you know scatter. All over the nation, all over the world. As for community... things do end up changing. I hardly know the faces of the people here; the ones I do know, I don't know who they really are anymore. Unfortunately for me I made as much a choice as they did. I chose to forget, to no longer include them as part of my life... and now the trust, openness, and involvment in one another's lives... all but a bittersweet memory.

At Barnes & Noble, before the get-together, I saw familiar faces who used to walk the halls of high school with me. I still know their names; I seldom forget a face. But I know they don't know me. As I looked back to old yearbooks and memories slowly came back... the ones I ate lunch with, those with whom I did projects with, the ones in my classes... I kept in touch with none. Never had I deepened my school friends; and now I know not where a single one of them ended up. Perhaps my one biggest regret from that day & age- I formed no lasting relationships with the people who shared the classrooms & halls with me. And so perhaps for that reason, there's not much to remain for me to remember. The only friends from high school are those younger than me... Kary, Crystal... how I ended up keeping up with those younger than me, I don't know. By grace or by fluke. Kary's come to know Jesus, Crystal I hope will. Other friends from my class- ones I even brought to youth group: David, Jeff, Adam- no idea what became of them.

Enough melancholy, bittersweet nostalgia. I turn my own stomach at times.
All up to God... and all of life...

posted by Andy Chang @ 11:48 PM