SoulThirst

Today felt like a hard day for no apparent reason. I suppose that not getting enough sleep last night probably contributed some. "Snapped" at my Sunday School class today... and like I said to all of you during class, I'm sorry; it was wrong of me & made the rest of the time just feel weird. And I've got a great class too; there isn't a lot to put up with, very encouraging, very comfortable group. And I must've been really out of sorts to have snapped at that group. Didn't want to be at my meeting. Went home & slept, because honestly that's all I really wanted to do. Go to my room, close the door, sleep, ignore the world.

I'm not a "big-group-gatherings" type of person; I'm happy being an introvert, with the personality & lifestyle thereof. Speaking of being genuine, it often feels like a stretch to be someone I'm not when I'm "supposed to be" very engaging in large group settings, pretend I'm interested when I'm not, etc. Like right now. I should be somewhere, but instead I'm here writing this. And that's just because part of me doesn't want to be there, while another part of me is trying to muster up enough willpower to force myself to be there & smile through it, etc. I can hear the laughter downstairs & know that if I don't show up, people will ask "where was Andy?" So I suppose I should show up just for the sake of personal decorum. But I also know that if I were to step foot downstairs, it would be a stretch to force myself to smile; but showing up with a cloud over my head would just suck as a mood-dampener. I "know" it doesn't have to be either/or: completely disengage or engage fakely; there's the middle ground of "genuinely engaging." But yea, the process of getting there is not quite as simple as choosing one or the other, at least not for me; I think some people who disagree don't really know me well enough.

I'd rather go for a drive, a long drive, to nowhere in particular. Just going & going, with Evanesence playing in the car :P

posted by Andy Chang @ 7:58 PM