SoulThirst

Tonight was a good night at youth group. And it's strange that, as I say that, I almost feel like I'm saying it from a "participant" point of view. I enjoyed the time of music, having Josh Koh lead it. The music blend & clear vocals brought back memories. I think most of all I was touched by the tenderness... heh, Josh, you're different now, having been out there. You've got a quietness now, a tenderness, and I think more humility in your leading.

Took my junior high guys out to the park tonight. There was only the original 5 of them from the beginning of the year- a special opportunity to be together since they feel most comfortable with one another & I feel like they know me better too than some of the newer guys. At the park, we talked some, and then I sent them off to be on their own... to be before God, to write/journal, reflect. Yes, I believe that junior high guys are capable of doing that; they did, and I think they enjoyed it. We ended the time praying, but praying differently. Rather than the usual "sit in a circle with eyes closed & heads bowed," I led them in praying with eyes open... in taking in the world around them, and praying through what they could see. Sometimes we get even MORE distracted with eyes closed; and so we prayed- seemed like we were just talking. We shared words of praise to God, centered around creation & how creation reminded us of God. It went something like "God, thank you for [the trees] because _____." And hearing some of what they prayed... the objects they used & how they made metaphors & analogies to God, was very very amazing. One of them said the big trees remind him of God's "big" presence around. And then another said that the quiet water of the lake was peaceful & brought serenity. They prayed, one after another. I had to wrap it up at the end, but I think we could've kept going... they were still able to think of more & more ways God was present in the world around them.

Actually, I did that with them, for rather selfish reasons- I needed my own quiet alone-time with God. But y'know, I guess it's not all bad- one axiom of ministry being "to take your congregation to the places where God's been leading you." So I hope the guys were blessed. It encouraged me, to have that time for myself; also to hear from them their praises & prayers to God at the end.

I almost cried today, at the end of the music time... Josh speaking of God being one to meet us in our loneliness. I dunno... I suppose the past week has been a little more emotionally stressing than I thought. I didn't know it'd feel this different with the Wheaton students all home for the summer. I didn't know that some relationships would now feel so different. I didn't expect that some relationships would actually turn painful. (I might write more on my Diary-X blog-page; passcode is changed, please ask me for the new one). Graduation weekend last week was also different- challenging to me, again perhaps more so than I first realized. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end, right?

Feeling out of sorts has left me acting/doing things out of sorts too. I've been slacking in my responsibilities. I've been so much more passive, mellow. I've been absent-minded in keeping track of things; I always forget to do something, call someone, turn something in, bring something, etc. I know I can do so much more & a lot better, and I'm annoyed at myself for not doing better. I've gotten talked-to about it a couple times, and I deserve it... *sigh*. Part of my pride talking, is saying that in the past I've done so much more, been so much more on top of things, etc. Whatever happened to Mr. "always organized & on top of things, having everything prepared & at the fingertips, never forgetting a single detail & being one that people can depend on."? That fell to pieces right around last year.

But yea, sucks to be performing below standards when I know I can be better. I feel like I'm letting certain people down. Maybe it's just me, and inaccurate mental projections; but I suppose that I've encountered more grace-lessness in my past than grace-filled situations/people, that I more naturally think that people are disappointed with me & I've let them down. Oddly enough, I don't feel that way towards God usually- I suppose I've been trained as a good Reformed evangelical to know that God operates on grace-alone. But with people it's different- even Christians. Yea. Probably just my own projections and assumptions that I'm putting on others. Also, I'm actually becoming more & more annoyed with the fact that I've been without a car. I feel like I'm just in people's way, in terms of getting rides & needing to depend on others to get around. Granted, some of that is self-sufficient pride speaking (learn to accept help from others, yada yada), but yea, I still just feel "tied down."

I have no idea where I'm going with this. It's almost 1:00, I'm tired, and I should go to bed.

Oh yea, found out a half hour ago, that a Wheaton student died in an avalanche a couple days ago. I didn't know him, but I know people who did. Plus, just losing a member of the college community is never an easy thing; even not knowing him personally, you do feel a sense of "communal loss." (the Naperville Central students probably know what I'm talking about).

So much to think about, so much that is heavy.

*sigh*

posted by Andy Chang @ 12:41 AM