The stores are pink, the sap is flowing, & teddy bears are finding new homes. Yes, Valentines Day is approaching; and no, I don't need to be reminded (the bright PINK tv-guide sitting on the coffee table is reminder enough). And so once again it's that time of year again, and inevitably I'm usually found in a situation where I have to make some sort of comment, article, or talk on the subject of Valentines (I've started saving all these now, so in the future, I can just recycle old material :P). So last week & the start of this week, I wondered what I should say:
- I could do the "typical evangelical Christian" thing & talk about the benefits of kissing dating goodbye
- I could do the "typical youth minister" thing and denounce the evils of 95% of most teenage dating
- I could do the "typical cynic" thing and simply laugh, then proceed to scoff at "love" in this society.
But then I figured. Been there, done that. If not by Joshua Harris, then by the Simpsons or "Everybody Loves Raymond."
But then I thought about it some more... and I think I have the starting angle for talking about love and about Valentines, and the bad news comes first: love begins when you realize how little you deserve it. This Sunday, the Chicago Tribune had a feature that was discussing how, in light of new technology like AIM or e-mail, breaking up is a lot "easier"-- mainly because you can now be totally disengaged from what's going on... the process and the pain. What seems to be the problem? I see two predominant attitudes which stem from love's distortion:
1. Love has become selfish. And I need not belabor this point... most of you (especially if you've been at church for any length of time) have heard this perspective.
2. Love has become a transaction- usually paid in sums of time, money, attention (actual or just mental), gifts, etc. And so when love is unrequited (i.e. not returned), we are hurt because, subtly, we feel like we deserve something back; we've been cheated, as the phrase goes.
Most of us, by & large, have come to see ourselves as deserving of love (and even if not of love, then at least of friends). To varying degrees, we wonder why nobody loves us (as if they should), and we spend much effort in trying to get others to love us (as if our efforts were enough). Love, it would seem, is something we have to strive for, work at, and hold on to if we were to find it. The "starting place" in much of this thinking about love is a subtle form of "I deserve to be loved, and I need to be loved."
Before I go any further, I should probably first say that the former thought is not wrong, nor foolish. However, it ought not be the place where we begin.
Scripture, in describing our love for one another, as existing because God first loved us. That is, God's love is both the prerequisite and enabling means by which we can- and ought to- love one another. At the same time, to say that "God first loved us" is to say that love is a demonstration of grace. For God to first love us, was a demonstration of grace. There was nothing in man that He should have cause to love us; at the Fall of creation, God very well could have picked up and left us. However, He did not, and rather chose to redeem fallen creation. Finally, as Paul put it in Romans, God showed His love for us in this: that at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly, the sinner. Again, in Christ we see love as an act of grace-- nothing compelled Him nor forced His love. The cross was chosen freely, and salvation given freely.
Of course, we as ungrateful people, take upon that gift of salvation and run off with it. "We are saved," we say, "and God loves us. Thanks. See ya." And then when we relate with one another, we start treating love as if it were ours to give, ours to withhold, and ours to demand. We are upset when we have loved another & such love was not returned. We pity ourselves, when nobody seems to show love to us, and then demand it from others (in one form or another). We work our hardest to become more lovable. And not just with people, but with God. We make demands of God, we work hard to earn His love (though we never say so in such words), and we selfishly receive grace but do not give it.
It is a sobering reminder to understand once again, that love is a demonstration of grace. As a sinner, I have no claims upon the love of God, except that which He freely chooses to give. As a sinner living in a fallen world among other sinners, I can make no claims upon the love of another, for what is there in me that deserves to be loved?"
To understand love, I believe, is to first understand sin. When we can identify with our own unworthiness to be loved by anyone- God or people- then we can begin to receive the love that is given, as a gift- a demonstration of grace. Then we would cease to demand of others; we would cease to be upset when our expectations are not met; then we would be quicker to give than to receive. In short, love becomes that much more special.
If I were to bury the cynic in me for a time, yes I will concede that love indeed is a beautiful and wonderful thing (which probably does not include pink). But it is beautiful not for its emotions, its outward expressions, nor its other "results." Love is beautiful because it is grace-- undeserved, unearned, and undemanded. Grace is a beautiful thing-- because it is of God and not of man.
And so this Valentines Day, whoever your love is for and in whatever form it is expressed... do remember that all love in your life is grace... and may that cause you to be all the more grateful and all the more humble.
Valentines Day 2003
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